Keeping The Faith
by This Girl Maybe
Summary: It wasn't easy, but she began to forgive herself. And God. - - - Addition to "The Girl That Wasn't" series.


**Keeping The Faith**

Summary: It wasn't easy, but she began to forgive herself. And God. - - - Addition to "The Girl That Wasn't" series.

A/N: Minor bad language. Reviews welcome with open arms. Future AU. The extracts are the words to recite the rosary of the Catholic religion, which I have assumed the Carter family belonged to.

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She ran her fingers along the wooden beads, their previously perfect round shape now distorted by years of use before then being shut away in a yellowing shoebox to collect an assortment of dust and spiders webs. Annie had decided that said spider webs were far more interesting to play with than the expensive gifts from her "uncles", much to Sam's chagrin and her husband's amusement. 

Her hands had trembled as she lifted it up from its confines, the dangling beads creating a muted sound as they cluttered together. Just seeing it after so many years evoked hundreds of memories, some of them cherished and some that she would rather forget.

**_I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary_**

She curled the previously blood-red beads in her hand, having been drained of colour over the decades, warped with time. Her fingers ran delicately over the cross, barely touching the wood and her eyes closed before tears ran down her cheeks. There was a rustling next to her, and she felt a chubby hand press on her thigh and upon opening her eyes she saw Annie looking up to her with a concerned face, "Mama?" She asked, her voice expressive even at such a young age.

Sam shook her head, pulling her daugher's body into her lap causing Annie to giggle lightly, crossing her legs and then proceeding to rifle through the photos encased inside the shoebox in front of them. She didn't understand the significance of every smile, of every innocent grin into the camera, every moment captured for eternity. Moments she would never lose, despite how long ago they had been. Annie turned round to Sam, who looked down at her daughter's hands; she had picked up a photo of herself and Lizzie, taken before their mother had died. Before their lives had fallen apart.

"That's 'Lizabeth." Annie said, her cheeks puffing in pride as she told her mother. Sam frowned before her face fell into a small smile; evidently Jack had been educating their daughter of her family when Sam, in her grief, could still not bear it.

"Yeah, it is," She replied, as her daughter turned around in her lap to face the box again. Sam leant her chin on Annie's head, kissing the soft, warm hair underneath causing Annie to giggle again as she "sorted" through the photographs. The Rosary was still enclasped safely in Sam's hand, the edges of the cross digging into her palm, creating red marks on her pale skin.

**_I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. Amen._**

She uncurled her hand, the necklace laying it on her knee as her other arm curled round Annie's waist, hugging the small body to her torso. Her daughter really was a "mummy's girl", much like her son was permanently attached to Jack. Annie resembled Lizzie so much it hurt, their similarities first noticed when she and her husband had sorted through old photos a few weeks after their daughter was born. He'd been astonished, but proud that his little girl resembled a young woman, who by Sam's account, was responsible, sensible and intelligent.

Sam dug into the box in front of her, pulling out a remarkably well preserved teddy bear that she vaguely remembered as one of the many hundreds to make a home on Lizzie's bed, "Look at this..." She said to Annie, grabbing the young girl's attention, "He was one of Lizzie's bears..." She told her daughter, recalling the frantic attempts to secretley rescue her any of her sister's possessions before her father donated them to charity, unwilling to remind himself of what he had lost.

"Really?" Annie replied, her awestruck tone reminscent of how she sounded when talking about any one of her scientific discoveries. No wonder Jack had nicked name her Mini-Sam.

"Yep," Sam nodded, trying to clear the knot in her throat that had decided to form, "His name is Harry..." She divulged as though revealing an enormous secret to her daughter and Annie responded with her eyes widening and her mouth gaped, "I think she'd like you to look after him for her."

Upon that, Annie took the bear from Sam's hands and hugged him to her chest in a protective manner, "Me look after him." She nodded defiantly before sitting back in her mother's lap, sucking her thumb as she began to become more and more tired as the sky outside darkened.

"Got a little sleepyhead there?" Jack's voice came from the doorway as he leaned on the wall, watching his wife and daughter in the middle of the front room, photos spread out around them. Sam nodded with a smile as Annie began to stir, curling up like a cat within her mother's embrace, "Jake's down in his room, I figured we'd wake them if the guys came over tonight. Teal'c wants to teach Jake about Star Wars. Poor kid."

Sam again nodded her agreement with an amused smile, "She's been helping me sort through this lot," She indicated towards the photographs, most of which were from her childhood before her mother passed away, or her downtime with her "boys". In the utility room, she had suitcases full of photos of Anne and Jacob, ready to embarrass them in eighteen years time, "Although we didn't get very far."

"I can see that," He smiled, moving across the room to sit down on the floor next to his wife, his eyes instantly attracted to the box in front of her, aware of what it contained, "Are you OK?" He asked, his hands reaching for hers upon which she dropped the rosary onto the carpet and he frowned, picking it up.

_**Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee**_

"Didn't know you were religious," He commented, turning the cross over in his hand, observing the same cracks and grooves as she had done only minutes earlier.

"I'm not anymore. It's Elizabeth's," She replied, her voice quietening, and not just for her daughter's sake. Her tone was barely above a whisper, and Jack had to concentrate hard to hear the words.

"I'm sorry," He said genuinely, reaching to squeeze her hand; he understood her grief, the pain and sadness of losing an innocent person that you loved. Sam, like himself, had repressed her grief, hidden it as though neither it or Elizabeth had ever existed. But there was a difference between he and his wife; she had coped with her loss for decades since such a young age. Silence overtook the pair for a few seconds, the only sound was Annie's light snoring, "Is this the one in all of the pictures?"

"Yeah," She replied, stroking her daughter's hair, "Mom bought it for her after she was born," Tears began to well, "She was wearing it when..." Sam reached for her husband's comfort which he quickly gave to her, "She wore it when I found her."

Jack mentally admonished himself for asking such a question, for being so insensitive. He soothed her, kissing her forehead as he looked into her watery blue eyes as she wiped away the tears, "I didn't mean to upset you."

Sam shook her head defiantly, "You didn't. I guess I'm just missing her..." She moved to lean her head on Jack's shoulder, her hand snaking to hold his, "I wish she was here, just so I could tell her that I loved her. So that she could see Annie and Jake."

"Somewhere..." He told her, "Somewhere out there, she's watching you. And she's so proud of you that her heart feels like it's going to burst," He paused, "And she knows how much you love and miss her. There's no way she couldn't."

**_Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now at __the hour of our death. Amen._**

Sam sighed, her body shuddering as he handed her the rosary, the cross dangling from between her fingers, "I hated this," She told him, "I hated it for years. I didn't understand how she could be so devout, even after they took mom away from us," Sam paused, her fingers encircling the beads, "I didn't understand how she wanted to believe in a God that tore her family apart."

_"Well?" Sam demanded, her voice unsympathetic as she stood in the doorway, her eyes displaying an icy, almost harsh blue as she glared upon her sister, "Aren't you going to argue back?"_

_Lizzie shook her head, looking down at the duvet she sat on, staring intently at the smiling teddy bears bearing coloured blocks in their arms. Her mother had bought her this. Her mother was gone now. "I don't want to argue with you," She mumbled back, her blonde hair falling over her face and she pushed it hurriedly behind her ear again, "I can't help what I believe."_

_"You should be able to," Sam replied, hot tears stinging her eyes, "Your precious God took mom away from us. He doesn't deserve any worship, especially not yours." She paused, "Why waste your time praying to someone that doesn't exist?"_

_Her sister's last words caused a flame of resentment to bubble inside Elizabeth's chest, despite knowing the pain of the grief they suffered, together yet separate, "Why do you keep saying these things?" She asked, wiping her eyes fiercely, "Go and preach to Mark if you want somebody who'll listen to your rants." Elizabeth paused, wrapping the rosary around her fingers, "Can you leave now?" She asked before closing her eyes._

_"This," Sam's voice got closer, so close that she was standing in front of Elizabeth who then opened her eyes to the harsh sunlight, "This piece of crap," She unwound the rosary to Lizzie's horror, "...it means nothing!" She screamed throwing it against the wall, "Nothing!"_

_Lizzie scrambled off the bed, scrabbling on the floor to get the rosary before her sister subjected it to any more abuse. In her heart, she wanted to hug her sister, tell her everything was going to be fine, and that they would make it through the dark nights. But she couldn't lie. Instead she looked up into her sister's eyes, "I believe that my God will pull me through," She replied, her voice surprisingly calm and measured, "And this "piece of crap" as you call it, is my last connection with mom."_

"After that," Sam finished recounting her upsetting memory, "I just ignored it and tried to forget that I hated everything it stood for," She paused, "My faith never recovered. Neither did Dad's or Mark's. Her death was the final nail I guess. For all of us."

Jack rubbed his wife's back, his hands tracing a light circle in what he hoped was a comforting manner, "Sam, its not your fault. All of that stuff you said to your sister, she knew you were grieving; she knew you didn't mean it."

Sam turned her head towards Jack, his words lifting some of the unending pain from her shoulders; she'd tried telling herself the same thing over the years, but hearing it from somebody else's lips made it seem true, made it feel like finally she could lessen the blame. It would never go away completely, but maybe one day she wouldn't feel like her sister, her baby sister, had died because of her, "I love you," She replied simply, leaning to kiss him on the lips gently, mindful of Annie's slumber, "And thankyou. Not just for what you said about Lizzie, but for everything," She nestled into his embrace, "Thankyou for loving me, and giving me Annie and Jake."

_**Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.**_

"I think I should be thanking you for that," He replied, wrapping his arms around his wife before hearing a gentle plodding of feet down the hallway, before seeing Jake poke his head round the door, his pyjamas hanging off his body with an impish smile, "What you doing out of bed?" He asked as Jake ran to his parents, assuming the same position as his sister but on his father's lap.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" She tugged on Jake's cheek with a smile, and he shook his head.

"Not tired," He said before having his attention stolen by the photographs on the floor, his wide eyes resembling Annie's, "What are those mommy?"

"Pictures of us," She signalled to herself and Jack, "And of me when I was little."

"Want to have a look kiddo?" Jack asked as his son resumed a sitting position in his lap, already reaching for the nearest pile.

"Jack?" Sam questioned, "They're supposed to be in bed..."

He looked at the watch on his hand, dismissing the late hour, "The guys and the Doc will be round later and you know they'll want to see them," He said, tickling his son, "And its Saturday tomorrow so they can catch up on sleep then."

Sam wasn't too convinced but decided, as Annie awoke from her small nap, that it wouldn't do too much harm. And she enjoyed being around her husband and children too much to move them back to bed. Annie scrambled up to see what Jake was doing, moving off Sam's lap as she examined some more relics of both her mother and father's childhoods.

As Jake yelped with laughter and Annie rolled her eyes in a manner reminscent of herself, Sam felt a warm glow spread over her body, her heart finally satisfied with the three loves of her life in front of her. And maybe her other love, her little sister, wasn't with her like she should have been, but the world felt oddly right because whichever cottonwool cloud in Heaven Lizzie was sitting on, she was happy and there would always be a part of her alive. In herself, in Mark, in her father, and in her children.

Sam was keeping the faith, however hard it was.

_**As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.**_

**The End**


End file.
